Follow @IanKarmel and read his weekly column “Portland as Fuck.” Oh, and for more info on that idiotic fluoride/Nazi myth, there’s this. Seriously, guys. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
Oh, You Kids!
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Bossy, Bossy Baby: “Worry About Yourself!”
WHAT? What the eff did you say to me, you bossy, bossy baby? I should “worry about myself?” MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF! Maybe you should remember exactly who bought you that goddamn car seat and who bought the goddamn car that drives you to your goddamn playdates, and think for two goddamn seconds […]
Posted inComedy
Babies With Little Animal Ears
Yes. So very yes. In a couple months I’m going to be an uncle for the first time. My sister had a baby shower, and that meant I had to shop at the Baby Gap for the first time. I like babies. I know, not an earth shattering revelation; we’re genetically required to like babies. […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Merit Badges I Might Want
First of all, the Boys Scouts of America should go out of business for obvious reasons. HOWEVER! If they do decide to hang it up, I hope they’ll leave the “merit badge” system behind, because I can make use of that. Here’s a site that makes spoof merit badges—and while most are corny, they have […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Stupid, Stupid Baby: The Lying Pooper
Yes, it’s true… I hate a STUPID, STUPID BABY. But do you know what I hate worse? A STUPID, STUPID, LYING LIAR BABY! And I’m talking about YOU, Molly! I’m getting fucking SICK of you lying about not pooping in the tub, when everybody knows it’s YOU pooping in the tub! And yes, your sister […]
Posted inMusic
New Taylor Swift Video Humiliates Everyone Who is Currently 22
Here’s what I learned about 22-year-olds from the new Taylor Swift video “22”: 1) 22-year-olds like to dress up like hipsters. (This is an important distinction, because according to them they are definitely NOT hipsters.) 2) 22-year-olds are both “magical” and “miserable.” But I would guess not in equal portions. 3) 22-year-olds are “happy, free, […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
A Mother’s Final, Inadvertant Act of Love for Her Child
Landing on her back. From the New York Daily News: A Manhattan lawyer strapped her 10-month-old son to her chest and leaped to her death from an eighth-story window in Harlem on Wednesday—and the baby miraculously survived with little more than scratches, police sources said. Cynthia Wachenheim, 44, who left a suicide note castigating herself […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Kid’s Police: Provider of My Newest Catchphrase
Below is the trailer for the upcoming Japanese action comedy Kid’s Police. Now it’s not in English, but here’s what I assume is happening: Japan allows “kids” to be “police”! Which is hilarious because these kids investigate crime scenes, shoot shotguns, and spit out the best catchphrases in the world (“Na-NEE???”), which I will be […]
Posted inTech
Apple’s War on Barely Legal Teens
Steve Jobs once promised that Apple products would provide the world “freedom from porn,” and it looks like Apple is taking that “freedom” directly to your private e-mail. MacWorld reported this morning: Apple’s iCloud email service deletes all emails that contain the phrase “barely legal teen” it was revealed today. Macworld has tested this by […]
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Walk on Some Sunshine with… THE ZACH ATTACK SUMMER TOUR!
Remember the Mercury‘s Pizzazz talent shows we used to do? It’s a little known secret that we stopped doing them after witnessing this video of “Zach Allen’s Zach Attack Summer Tour” and his version of “Walkin’ on Sunshine” performed for the 2004 Starpower talent competition. As you will see, Zach’s talent renders all other talents […]