WITH NEW DEVELOPMENT in Portland at an all-time high, you might think the incidence of hauntings would be low. “How can a building have ghosts if no one’s even lived there yet?” you might ask. Which is so cute, but you’re forgetting something: Hauntings have less to do with the living, and more to do with the dead. And in Portland, we’ve got ghosts aplenty. It’s the natural result of rapid change over a short timespan. Whether haunted by vengeful ghosts or run-of-the-mill assholes, here are the city’s most woefully haunted new developments.
Beware and avoid Southeast’s D Street Village (3150 SE Division)! Though shiny and chrome on the outside, within it’s to be feared (and not just due to fearsome rental costs—$1,595 for a one-bedroom? YIKES). D Street Village is a mysterious building, because what is D Street? Division? No one calls Division “D Street,” except desperate developers and perhaps… ghosts? If you dare to move there, I hope you’re ready to be awakened in the middle of the night to Band of Horses songs being hummed into your ear, as poor imitations of drum-fills are banged out on the pipes.
But don’t be deceived: The ghosts of D Street Village aren’t evil, just obnoxious. They’re the ghosts of hipster bros past, and they’re going to want to tell you all about their meaningful tattoos and Nazi youth haircuts. They’re going to talk your ear off about how they swear the ghost of pre-Condé Nast acquisition Pitchfork is around here somewhere. Or about “dirty synths” and this one time they got super high at Coachella. If you see one of these ghosts, just smile and nod, and gulp your whiskey. Though all undead creatures are mildly unsettling, these guys are harmless. As when they were alive, they’ll eventually go away if ignored.
But look out, monsters! The abomination known as Burnside 26 (2625 E Burnside, get it? LOL) is definitely the most haunted development (and not just by terrible personalities, though watch out for those, ’cause, YIKES). Lights flicker on and off. Residents’ key fobs have been known to float through the air, as if in the hands of vengeful ghosts who wish the cursed building had never been constructed in the first place. Blood drips down the complex’s once-pristine, soulless walls. Or are they soulless? What’s that sound? Oh, I know what it is. It’s the pained cries of the ghosts of Fun and Laughter. They died here at Burnside 26, and will be forever trapped within its walls of glass and steel. Listen carefully…. Nope—that’s not just the wind. It’s the sound of All Hope for Equitable Housing being unceremoniously strangled to death.
If you find yourself living in the dark, cold bowels of Burnside 26, you may feel compelled to fight your unshakeable feeling of existential dread by assuring yourself that you don’t mind the blood gushing out of the bathtub faucets. Surely you’ll make peace with the cries of the mournful dead, the perennial damp chill that has nothing to do with the weather. You really will use the dog-washing station. And it’ll be fine. This place is fine.
Oh, but you’ll be so wrong. Because somewhere deep within, you’ll feel a chill rattle your soul… and when you look into the mirror, you’ll see DEATH. Then you will know. You… will… know.
More Welcome to Portland, Monster! articles:
Welcome to Portland, Monsters!
How to Apologize for Being a Monster
No-Cause Evictions Affect Monster Population
Portland’s Most Haunted New Developments
Monster’s Pot Review (for Monsters)
A Short History of Portland’s Most Famous Monsters
Portland’s Most Overrated Cemeteries
You think the developers of D Street village are desperate? I agree that they could have come up with a better name, but that was a hell of a great place for a condo building and will be a good investment for them. Not to mention that the same developers also just sold Burnside 26, which was another great investment. All good, local developers by the way, not the often alluded to (falsely most of the time) evil “outside money” coming in and changing our city.
Yes, one has a name that leaves something to be desired (but why the fuck do you really care anyways?), and one had a marketing video that was a little annoying to aging portlanders who think anyone under the age of 30 is a worthless “douche”, and then the responses by that fully grown certified douche…but its not like he was speaking for the owners or other residents.
One replaced a vacant grocery store (d street), and one replaced a run-down former bank. This city needs more density and apartments, and these are two examples of reasonably-sized buildings for the area they are in, in my opinion.
You can piss and moan at them for not charging below-market rents, but that isn’t your decision to make and they have investors to satisfy and bank loans to pay off in an increasingly expensive city fee / construction cost environment. If the city would have had their shit together with better aligned programs that offer incentives for including some below market units at the time these were built, perhaps they would include some below market units. Take that up with the city, however.
Some say if you fill the dog bath and whisper Tyler Hurst’s name three times, he appears.
The “D Street Village” referred to here is the former parking lot/cart pod turned apartment building. But the same developers did have such little imagination to refer to the old Natures as part of their “village” and the dipshits at Koi Fusion have the nerve to claim they are “D Street Originals” or some awful bullshit like that.
My opinion on this piece is that there can’t be ghosts of douches-past yet, but there are certainly ghosts of lesbians- and anarchists-past, hopefully whispering into the ears of douches-present to respect the neighborhood enough to not vomit overpriced wine and over-waited ice cream on the sidewalks, and maybe to tell them that the suburbs are beckoning.
Oh, I know what the “D” stands for in “D Street,” and the word ends in “-bag.”
Correct that the apartments are not where the Nature’s used to be. The Natures was replaced by the creative office / retail portion of the overall “d street” development (same developers and same project). I’m not sure what we are going to do without that cart pod….this city is seriously lacking on the food cart front.
http://dstreetvillage.com/wp-content/theme…
I think you have the wrong crowd targeted as being responsible for on-street vomit, in most cases. Spend a little time downtown. And, lets not pretend like the Portland of 10 years ago was vomit free.
Two summers ago while walking down Williams by the new NS I watched a hoard of approx 50 lil Asian men all clad w black suits, black shiny shoes n black briefcases walking down the street all holding clipboards n making notes. The sight seemed so curious I followed them as they ventured all the way down Williams. Literally every corner that they stopped at and made note of has now been demolished and in its place is one of these bullshit condo prisons. Inside developers my ass
That run down former bank was MY spot asshole! That was my spot to do my smoking under the old drive through tunnel, sheltering from the rain. Where I felt safe in my cab as I listened to distance laughing voices over at chopsticks (r.i.p)!
Love the sarcasm Artur!
Rainbrain – do a little research on who has developed all the spots on Williams. Largely local or regional developers. That is, assuming your post wasn’t meant to be humorous and pointing out the absurdity of the “foreign money in portland” fear mongers. Reading it again, I assume it probably was.