Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I'm your best friend, Elinor Jones, here to make little quips about all the latest in news and gossip and hopefully make you smile a little bit during another grim week of reality. If you aren't in the mood to smile, I get it—all you have to do is just not think I'm funny. That should be no problem, people do it all the time. Whichever way you want to take this ride, we just gotta do it together, and in the immortal words of Shania Twain: Let's go, girls. 

Governor Pudding DeSantis in Iowa

Last week, Florida Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis appeared for an interview at the Iowa State Fair but was drowned out by protesters telling him to get his ass back to Florida, and calling him "Pudding Fingers"—a reference to a story about how he was once given pudding, but no spoon, and proceeded to eat it with his fingers. The interviewer—Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds—implored the crowd to be "Iowa nice," but really, for someone as detestable as Ron DeSantis, heckling him about how he eats pudding actually is pretty nice! They could have said way meaner things to him!

Also, doesn't "pudding fingers" sound like some kind of deep-fried food you'd be able to find at a State fair in the Midwest? His team should have leaned into it. Make a pop-up pudding finger snack shack and have the Governor serve them, pose for pictures, and throw pudding fingers merch into the crowd. This is such a no-brainer. Jesus, no wonder his presidential run is flailing. I'm not saying I'd ever be the communications director for a DeSantis campaign, but I am saying that I would be good at it. 

In other Florida news, a new study has found that crocodiles are drawn towards the sound of babies crying; the more in distress a baby is, the more crocodiles will respond. That headline was too distressing for me and I didn't read the whole story, so I'm really hoping that they figured this out by putting out recordings of babies crying and not, like, setting hungry babies down near swamps and waiting to see what happened. (The story I linked to isn't about Florida crocodiles, but it still counts as a Florida story.)

New Religion Just Dropped!

Do you want to hear the best thing I've ever read? The blind item: An offspring of this permanent A list actor and the former stripper turned reality star turned porn star turned celebrity are in talks to start a church together. The reveal: CHET HAZE AND BLAC CHYNA. Starting a church. Together!?! Sign me up, Jesus; this religion sounds messy as hell. I feel like it's going to be established for tax-dodging reasons and I need an accountant to tell me why that's bad. I also feel like swag is going to be a big component of the whole scam and I need someone to not let me buy a CHURCH OF CHETCHYNA hoodie even though I already want one so bad.

More celebrity (if you can call them that) news: Remember Iggy Azalea? I know, we're all still working on forgetting her. Alas, she has popped back up, and in the most expected of places! Who else but someone with Iggy Azalea's classlessness would speak out in support of Tory Lanez, the rapper sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion? Iggy penned a letter describing herself as "great at what I do and well-respected by my peers" where she insisted that Lanez couldn't have done anything wrong to another woman because he never did anything bad to her, which is, by the way, a classic abuser MO. Spare me, Iggy. You are not fancy. Don't celebrities have people around them reminding them that saying nothing is always an option?

Read the Whole Headline Before Starting to Write a Dumb Bit About It

I saw the following headline on E! News and was ready to write something catty about the relationship between David Foster and Katherine McPhee because it's always kind skeeved me out:

That seems like a funny reason to have to leave a tour! A horrible family? Tell me more!

Then I budged the article on my phone a teensy bit to get to the meat and, oh god, this is not funny at all:

Put "family" and "tragedy" on the same freaking line! Do news organizations not have web editors anymore? I mean, probably not, because journalism is dying, but this is what happens when you don't have web editors! Horrible family = probably a good story, no injuries, they'll probably laugh about it some day. Horrible family tragedy = I can't read any further because news about sick or injured or even mildly inconvenienced children makes me curl into a ball to weep. (See above, where I punted on crocodiles.) My heart goes out to the McPhee/Foster family. I'm sorry I am keeping this part in, because it really isn't funny, but I really want to underscore the important of editing and appropriate web headlines. 

What's Drake Up To? So Very Drake

At a recent show, Drake asked the women in the audience not to throw their bras onto the stage because his 5-year-old son was present. But it's only sexualizing bras that makes them inappropriate, Mr. Drake; you could have used this as a teaching moment! "Son, this is a bra. Some people wear them for their breasts to feel more support, or to make clothes fit a certain way. There is no shame in this garment." Boom: dad of the year. But ugh, do I have to be Drake's parenting advisor now in addition to just becoming Ron DeSantis's communications director? Me and my stupid public relations ingenuity. 

Portland's annual World Naked Bike Ride took place over this past weekend, leading to one of the best times of year to read the Craigslist missed connections. It's hard to describe people when they're not wearing clothes, but best of luck to everyone wanting to track down "naked guy with tattoos and facial hair." I hope you find the right one, or at least, a good one.

In other local news: the following joke is for people who have super hot moms: Hey, it's as hot as your mom outside. Smoking inside is gross but sparks outside are even grosser; inhale your toxins carefully and please don't set the state on fire this week. 

On that note, I'm outta here. Thank you for spending time with me, and for bringing to the table a special something that nobody else has. I'll see you next week, unless you see me first.