Happy holidays, Trash Pandas! 'Tis I, Elinor Jones, coming to you live from the weird vortex between Christmas and New Year's Day. In the spirit of this being the laziest, dirt-baggiest week of the year, this week's column is a compilation of my favorite morsels of trash from throughout the year. That's right friends: it's a clip show. But don't go assuming this was an easy column to put together, because this was one hell of a year, and reading through all these columns was a journey!

January 6, 2025

President Biden hosted a little get-together to give out Congressional Medals of Freedom to a bunch of fancy people like Bono, Jane Goodall, Magic Johnson, and others. These medals are basically handed out to whoever the President thinks is cool and wants to meet, so I imagine he was like, "Shit, I gotta move out of this place in like two weeks and I haven't even had Denzel Washington and Bill Nye over yet to see my stuff!" ...Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his fiancée Lauren Sanchez were allegedly planning to get married over the holidays with a $600 million wedding in Aspen, but called it off when the public caught wind of it. I'm so curious what a $600 million wedding would even be. How do you do it? That NY Post article I linked to above said the wedding would be set up like a winter wonderland including twinkling lights, and like, is there a different HomeGoods that the megarich go to? Because I could pull off that decor with two hundred bucks and a free Saturday afternoon. Page Six has had a lot of nice press coverage of Lauren Sanchez in the proceeding days and it all reeks of PR. Nobody cares that Lauren Sanchez sparkles in a slinky silver dress as she wishes for shared light in 2025. A billionaire's fiancée hoping for "shared light" is so fucking bleak. Bitch, the sun is free; how about you share some of that money?

February 17, 2025

Last week was the Super Bowl. Having absolutely zero interest in football beyond what kind of uncomfortable-looking outfits Taylor Swift and her friends wear to the matches, I like that the Philly team won because the best sandwich I've ever eaten in my life was in Philadelphia. "Go birds," I say enthusiastically, especially when the bird is a turkey that was roasted to juicy perfection and then sliced into huge slabs and put between two pieces of fresh sourdough toast and doused with gooey Swiss cheese and sauerkraut. What can I say, I love birds! The standout moment of the day was Kendrick Lamar's halftime show during which he came for Drake with the Grammy-winning diss track "Not Like Us." It's gotta be soooo embarrassing for Drake that the biggest controversy following the performance wasn't the pedophilia accusation, but the $1200 flared jeans that Lamar wore. Did he pull them off? Yes. Does this mean you need some? No!

March 31, 2025

In addition to norms and constitutionality, Trump is also dumping on a beloved bit of White House decor: An ivy plant that was given to President John F. Kennedy in 1961 and has resided on the mantle of the Oval Office for the past six decades has been removed by Trump and replaced by a collection of golden doodads. These could be trophies, they could be Emmys, they could be as fake as the Time magazine cover mock-up he used to hang in his resorts. While the beloved ivy plant once signified tradition, growth, and care, the golden baubles up there now signify "I'm a guy that likes tacky gold shit." You know, if there were a Venn diagram where one circle is "people with bad taste in chalices" and the other circle is "Nazis," the middle part would just be 1) bad guys from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and 2) this fuckin' guy....

April 28, 2025

Pope Francis passed away last weekend on Easter. He died shortly after meeting personally with JD Vance, and I am not surprised that Vance sucked all of the Pope's will to live straight out of him. He had that meeting and immediately was just like "woof, I'm outta here."

May 19, 2025

Jude Law and Andrew Garfield have been cast as Siegfried and Roy in an upcoming Apple+ film about their lives. Now, if you're anything like me, right now you're probably trying to remember if Siegfried and Roy were lovers or just magician work associates, and I am elated to tell you that yes, they were lovers, so yes, Jude Law and Andrew Garfield are going to kiss. ....Hilaria Baldwin said that "a famous actress" talked shit about her parenting style and the actress is rumored to be Salma Hayek. I have to wonder if Baldwin is mad at Hayek for what she said, or for how she said it, which was with a legitimate Spanish accent. 

June 23, 2025

Attendees of Beyonce's Paris concert last week got a surprise visit from Miley Cyrus and together they performed "Two Most Wanted." So freaking lucky!! Concert-goers had access to two of our best Americans while not actually being in America—truly the dream! Cyrus wrote about the show on Instagram, saying how happy she was to sing their "song about friendship," which is hilarious because it's the most lesbian country song ever recorded. It's a song about friendship as much as that one uncle whose live-in male assistant happens to be hot and well-groomed is just a confirmed bachelor who never found the right girl. ...And in boomer music news, the legendary Barbra Streisand keeps insisting that she can't remember if she had sex with Warren Beatty or not. She also says that regardless of sex they may or may not have had, they are still friends, and he calls her every year on her birthday. Which means they talk, and if she wanted to know, she could simply ask him. So it's not just that she doesn't know, which is cool, it's that she doesn't care, which is a million times cooler.  

July 31, 2025

For our 25th anniversary issue I summarized and ranked the past quarter-century of gossip events and it was a lot of work! Read it!

August 25, 2025

Chris Pratt recently came out in defense of his weird uncle-in-law Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on the podcast of... ew, Bill Maher! Pratt said that RFK Jr was a cool guy with some cool ideas who's fun to play cards with, and they don't really talk about the touchy stuff. Pratt said: "I'm not going to pick his brain." Yeah, that's smart—you pick RFK Jr's brain, you end up with a fistful of worms!

September 8, 2025

Reese Witherspoon has been applauded for backing projects of women in the arts, but she is also weirdly outspoken in favor of women using AI, which destroys art. She said it's important for women to be involved as AI-use expands in the film industry, and I don't get what she means. Involved how? Girlbossing the degradation of a creative industry is not a #slay, queen. ...Fellow rich lady who is very in touch with what women want to do with their time, designer Stella McCartney, has a new campaign out called "Laptop to Lapdance," meant to capture the dual lives led by today's working women. Right, gals? Like, how we are always slamming our laptops shut and then rushing off to be perceived? It's not enough to be good at email—we have to be good at email and hot at the same time. But I want to be clear with you: every email I have ever sent was written with crumbs in my hair. This is not going to be the collection for me.  

October 13, 2025

Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are apparently actually happening, and they even made it yacht-official. E! News says that she is wearing a swimsuit and he's shirtless and in jeans. Not only is wearing jeans on a boat psychotic, but those outfits don't even go together! This PR relationship is extremely entertaining, but there are definitely still some kinks to work out. 

November 24, 2025

Socialist darling NYC Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani met with Trump on Friday and charmed the orange straight off his skin. Seriously, have you ever seen that man look at Elon Musk, or JD Vance, or one of his own sons, with a smile like that? Trump even warmly accepted Mamdani calling him a fascist to his face. Chuck Schumer could never because Chuck Schumer isn't young, hot, and popular. 

December 8, 2025

The voice actor of Frosty in the original Frosty the Snowman movie, Jackie Vernon, had multiple secret families. Imagine an artist—a voice artist, no less—making enough money to start not just one but multiple families. Also, in each new family, whenever a first son was born, he'd name that son Ralph, which was his own birth name. This is sad, but it does make me wonder if more than one Ralph would be referred to as "Ralves." His little Ralves. 

Woof, what a year. I'm not sure I could not gotten through it without crying every day if I did not have this space to laugh at it all with you. Thank you for reading and for being nice. I love you. See you in 2026.

Auld Lang Synely,