History lesson time, motherforkers! In my continuing battle to educate the public on how print media works, today’s seminar is titled, “How the Mercury Got Its Stupid Name.” It was the early 2000s. Lizzie McGuire was in, JNCO jeans were out, and a brash upstart newspaper was preparing its Portland debut. A sister paper to […]
columns
Posted inGossip
This Too Shall Pass: Freedom Gas, Guy Fieri, and a Girl Squirrel Named “Kevin”
Hello, and happy Pride Month! Here’s a tip for celebrating in style and on a budget: travel back in time to early July of last year, hit up the clearance shelves at Target, and buy a rainbow version of every type of clothing/accessory/dishware/automotive supply on Gaia’s green earth for a total of $1.97. Travel back […]
Posted inCalendar
The 15 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: June 6-19
Resistance events for the week of June 6-19
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: Hello, Queer Here!
I’m trying to remember the last time someone called me a “queer” to my face, and… oh! IT WAS LAST WEEK. As you may know, I act in stuff from time to time (I’m pretty good, but NBD). Anyway, some aggro rando dude walked into the theater (a former Chinese school) where we were rehearsing […]
Posted inComedy
This Too Shall Pass: Roe v. Wade v. Paris v. LiLo
Hello, exclamation point! What a time to be alive, question mark? Real talk: I’m feeling a little blue as I write this. Shit’s bleak. Also, my dog won’t leave me alone, and I don’t know what he ate but he will not. stop. farting. So that’s where I’m at. If you can’t handle me like […]
Posted inCalendar
The 15 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: May 23-June 5
Indigenous land tending, youth-led activism, and the Black Business Summit
Resistance events for the week of May 23-June 5
Posted inComedy
In Crowded Democratic Field, Another White Guy Announces Bid for 2020 Presidency
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP)—Despite being the 24th Democratic candidate to enter the race for the coming 2020 presidential election, Another White Guy has announced he is throwing his hat into the ring. “Honestly, I never considered running for the presidency,” Another White Guy said to a packed room of reporters. “But someone has to stand […]
Posted inCalendar
The 15 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: May 9-22
Una Vida Mejor, Bark’s Forest Plan Revision, and the Vanport Mosaic Festival
Resistance events for the week of May 9-22.
Posted inComedy
This Too Shall Pass: *Snaps* to Herpes at Coachella!
Hi! Thanks for visiting me, Elinor Jones, on page five of the Portland Mercury. Come here *pats spot next to me on the couch*. Did you know that when young people like something, they snap their fingers instead of clapping, whooping, or slapping their knees like they’re at an old-timey hootenanny? I work with many […]
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: Seth is a Goddamn Idiot
Seth (last name withheld) of Beaverton writes, “Hey Mercury! Let me be the first to tell you that no one gives a shit about Ariana Grande. Your paper’s constant fawning over this middling, no-talent pop star is making your already terrible reputation even worse. Can you please stop writing about her and focus on something […]
Posted inCalendar
The 14 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: April 25-May 8
Take Back the Night, a Nipsey Hussle Celebration, and May 8th for Students
Resistance events for the week of April 25-May 8
Posted inComedy
This Too Shall Pass: Move Over Mueller, it’s Beyoncé!
Hello! It’s so springtime out there! I’m wearing non-black nail polish, the birds are chirping like they don’t know climate change will come for them too, and the shelves of Rite-Aid are overflowing with discount Easter candy, which is factually the most disgusting holiday for candies, but annoyingly, also the ~cutest~. My child demands baskets […]