Is this discussion about Santa’s race the dumbest three minutes of television news to air this week? If it isn’t, I don’t think I want to watch the dumbest three minutes of television news to air this week. The climax of this clip sums up Fox News’s advice to minorities everywhere: “Just because it makes […]
Holiday
Posted inTV
Singing Christmas Carols with Billy Eichner and Amy Poehler—for One Dollar.
The consistently hilarious Billy Eichner (of Fuse’s Billy on the Street) films a special holiday segment for Jimmy Kimmel in which he and Amy Poehler (sigh! eye flutter!) accost people on the street and force them to sing Christmas carols… correctly. Because it’s New York, this does not go well. BUT IT’S FUNNY!
Posted inComedy
Yes, I’ll Lie To Your Kids, But You Need To Say “Please”
Last week, I wrote a hilarious piece of festive sketch comedy for a radio program (that shall remain nameless) about how Santa is dead. I was told it couldn’t be aired, not because it was too dark (it was too dark, but that was a secondary problem) but because a kid might hear it in […]
Posted inEvents
Win Tickets to Your Holiday Office Party (Attendance Mandatory)
Surely the best office holiday party of the year will be this one: The Mercury presents Your Holiday Office Party (Attendance Mandatory!). There will be booze, Silent Disco dancing, a performance by Sex Life, your drunk mean boss/host Gabe Dinger, a raffle for awesome Secret Santa presents (benefitting Right 2 Dream Too), a make-out cubicle, […]
Posted inEvents
Get Yer Tickets Quick for YOUR HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY—This Friday!
Rush over to get tickets quick, because the buzz on this one is STRONG: OH, THE FUN WE’LL HAVE. Get your tickets NOW!
Posted in$$$
It’s Cyber Monday. Buy Things Or Don’t, It’s Fine Either Way
I appreciate everybody taking to Facebook this weekend to tell their social network not to buy things. It’s really sweet of you. On the other hand, we’re all old enough to decide our own feelings on capitalism. I buy things. I buy things on normal days, I buy things on holidays. I buy things for […]
Posted in$$$
The War on Thanksgiving Is Real
Greedy retailers are ruining Thanksgiving for low-wage employees by forcing them to work on the one goddamned American holiday that isn’t about the buying and selling of plastic bullshit shipped in from China. ThinkProgress has smartly decided to call this phenomenon The War on Thanksgiving. I wholeheartedly approve of this move. They’ve compiled a list […]
Posted inHoliday
How the New York Mets Ruined Christmas
I appreciate the sentiment… but you know what? I DON’T. Because the New York Mets absolutely murder (not in a good way) this Christmas carol with almost fierce determination. IF YOU HATE THE HOLIDAYS SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO LIVE IN RUSSIA, METS??? Your browser does not support iframes. Your browser does not support […]
Posted inMedia
BREAKING: Pony Poops in Liquor Store; Owner Upset
Everything about this news story about a pony pooping inside a liquor store is perfect. Sooooo… since humanity has obviously reached the apex of perfection, I’m thinking it’s time we should all just hang it up. See you on the other side, suckers! (BLAM!! plop.) Pony poops in liquor store, owner upset
Posted inHoliday
New Year’s Resolutions: What are YOU Resoluting?
Are you making any resolutions this year? I’m still working on mine for 2013, but I would like to note that my New Year’s resolution for 2012 was to learn how to roller skate backwards and I DID IT, MOTHER-EFFERS! (Not sure why I’m so super proud/annoyingly aggressive about that.) Anyway, what are your New […]
Posted inDrunk
Your New Year’s Plans: Drink Some Cider, Cider!
If you’re anything like me, you’re going to partay down tonight with some mother-lovin’ CIDER, my boyz und bizzies! And here are some children who are really feeling my cider steez—the Tempura Kidz singing, “Cider Cider”! (I love kids, I love tempura, and I love cider. Win, win, WIN in 2013, y’all!) Cider not your […]