Full disclosure: I only made it through about five TRIUMPHANT minutes of the horrifyingly irresistible infomercial for rhinestones you tape to your ass, and powder and yummy tasting sex goo or something, called Tajazzle! If the special effects sparkles and valley girl gym rats don’t get you, the promise of being “dry” (very important!) and […]
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In The Confectionary Where Al Jolson Is Buried
How do you give a vanilla dessert rhythm? Apparently, you just make it brown. It sprouts big, red cartoonish lips and googly eyes, and breaks into routine as a “Hip Hop cupcake.” What the fuck publicists at Duncan Hines were thinking when they built a campaign around blackface, I don’t know, but they’ve since pulled […]
Posted inTV
Guy Loves Chuck Way Too Much
listal.com Not the real Captain Awesome. Just the guy who plays him on Chuck. A man from Eugene, Oregon garnered a brief moment of attention from the national media after changing his name to “Captain Awesome.” Is this just a Eugene thing? I know a guy from Eugene whose legal name is “Mister Oo-la-la.” (Mister […]
Posted inMovies & TV
And Now, Mel Gibson’s Beaver
You guys should just smile and blooooooww me for presenting to you this trailer for upcoming film The Beaver, starring America’s sweetheart Mel Gibson: Gibson, of course, was last in the news for vomiting up telephone messages to his girlfriend that were so profane, misogynistic and downright scary they seemingly did for his career what […]
Posted inHealth
Do I Have Tokophobia?
For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve had a debilitating fear of hornets and wasps. I have left an outdoor wedding mid-ceremony to avoid an aggressive yellow jacket. I have also jumped into lakes and off of roofs, and have once had a full-on anxiety attack because I had absolutely no choice but […]
Posted inCrime
Yes, Yes, Y’all, It’s My Last Day
Welp, it’s my last day as a Mercury apprentice, which means so many things: 1) I can finally look my boss, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, directly in the eyes (he has a strict “apprentices will not look me in the eye” rule).2) I won’t be getting flipped off every… single… day.3) I’ll no longer be forced […]
Posted inTV
The Only Reason Anyone Should Ever Listen to “Let it Be”
George from Seinfeld? Check. Carlton from Fresh Prince? Check. Steve Guttenberg? Check. Tubbs from Miami Vice? Check. Tonya Harding? Check. Audrey Horn from Twin Peaks? Check. The guy who played Forrest Gump as a boy? CHECK. And goddammit! There are SO MANY MORE hilariously weird and random stars from the ’80s and ’90s covering The […]
Posted inSex
Ryan Reynolds May Be Hot But These Guys Are Not
While we all know Marjorie (and Erik) have a boner for Ryan Reynolds, the newest Sexiest Man Alive recipient… oh, alright, let’s have a look at him. Satisfied? Good. Now onto Buzzfeed’s 50 Unsexiest Men Alive 2010. If you have just eaten or are planning to eat anytime in the next 56 hours, maybe you […]
Posted inFashion
Have Yourself An Ugly Little Christmas
Billed as “the anti-fashion event of the holiday season,” I Heart Retro is gearing up for their First Annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Fashion Show on Saturday December 4. For ironic reasons that escape me, they have been collecting the ugliest holiday sweaters they can find all year just for the occasion, at which they will […]
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Finally, a Towel for Teabaggers!
Ummm… not those kind of teabaggers. The real teabaggers. And actually, maybe not even for them. Get ready for your “EEWWWWWWWWW!!!” of the morning! If you need to point a finger, here’s the company advertising this.
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Today in Holy Shit Fuck
Bristol Palin’s acting prowess is rightly celebrated, but did you also know that she is wise? Also, that’s what “the Situation” is? Okay. Good luck with that, America. Thankyouthankyouthankyou, MovieLine.