I wanted to record this for your podcast but I'm literally too ashamed to say it out loud. I was in a relationship for more than twenty years with a guy who abused me sexually, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and financially. I grew up in a pretty unstable (read: abusive and neglectful) household and I’m proud that I finally managed to leave this man. I get that there's this thing where people with life experiences like mine tend to blame ourselves and think everything is our own fault. But there's this one thing that really makes me think I'm terrible. This one time, when we were in bed and had both been drinking, I kept trying to kiss him. He would often ignore me and refuse to let me touch him for days and I would wind up making every effort to please him. This particular night I kissed him and then started to give him a blowjob and we ended up having sex. He later called this rape. He didn't call it rape when he pinned me down and told me to stay still, which was how we “had sex” most often toward the end, and sex only happened when he wanted it. I was never able to initiate, not even a kiss.

I’m worried that I’m just as bad as him. Before I was with him, I was hot on consent in all things, especially as I enjoy some light BDSM. I think communicating about sex is sexy. I've had good open and honest and raw communication with every one of my partners after him, Dan, but I feel like I'm lying to my new partners about being a decent person. Can you please let me know what you think.

Feeling Remorse About Upsetting Denunciation

Consider the source — that was my first reaction to your question, FRAUD, but I wanted to get a quick gut-check from someone with relevant expertise....

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