One Day at a Time

MONDAY, JANUARY 27 As a regular purveyor of One Day at a Time, you have undoubtedly been wincing from our stories of Britney Spear’s unfortunate romance with Limp Bizkit tub-o-lard Fred Durst. Well, good news! Britney has officially given this soul-patched has-been the brush off. According to Us Weekly, Durst “got dumped,” and “he’s pretty […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 20 For our unfeeling friends who have been referring to the shoplifting Winona Ryder as “guilty whore,” our fave martyred celeb gained some much-needed respect today after confessing she would like to auction off the clothes she had stolen, and donate the money to charity. Ryder camp insiders told the New York Post […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 13 What’s the new “in” crime sweeping the celebrity world? Child porn! First it was rocker Gary Glitter who was picked up after a computer repair person allegedly discovered pics of underage shenanigans on his home PC. Next came Paul “Pee-wee Herman” Reubens, who was charged with being in possession of 100-year-old pornographic […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 6 Could it be true? Are Britney Spears and ex-paramour Justin Timberlake tickling each other’s ivories once again? Well, it’s true if you believe tabloids like the Star. According to this trusted newsmagazine, Brit has been begging to crank up the canoodle train, but the heartbroken Justin has repeatedly refused her slutty advances–UNTIL! […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30 Okay. We’re the first to admit that when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake went splitsville last year, we jumped to the erroneous conclusion it was ALL JUSTIN’S FAULT. But who can blame us? After the break-up he was immediately seen rubbing his nuts up against Janet Jackson and right in front of […]

DECEMBER 23 This week started off on the wrong foot for heart-throbby beefcake Matt Damon, who was surely thinking, “Thanks a pantload, Sandra Bullock for opening your biiiiiig mouth!” As you are undoubtedly aware, Matty is in the midst of a rumor-storm regarding his alleged matrimonial engagement to ex-Ben Affleck personal assistant, Odessa Whitmire. And […]

Note from Ann: As this year slowly grinds to a halt over the bones of Baby New Year 2002, we here at One Day would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the past 12 months. And while 2002 contained such brain-spinning glitches as the Suburban Sniper, The Office of Homeland Security, President Bush […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 9 Just when we thought we had it all figured out, it turns out that the infamous “Brazilian bikini wax” beloved by moi, as well as free-spirited women everywhere, was actually dreamed up by seven siblings at the J Sisters salon on West 57th Street in New York City. According to Elle Magazine, […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2 We just can’t understand why Money Magazine would drop our own precious, adorable, laissez-faire Portland from their top ten best places to live. Apparently, they were not factoring in all the things that make Portland so special: affordable housing, Stumptown coffee, happy hour drink specials, a deep love for Weimaraners, Baddoll shoes, […]

Mercury Readers: Ann left her Hello Kitty Diary in plain sight in the Mercury offices and we swiped it! Check out her deepest inner thoughts on subjects ranging from cloning to celebrity break-ups. Here are this week’s entries. MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Dear Hello Kitty: Remember when we scored 1050 on our SATs, and we told […]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18 The LA Times-Washington Post Service reported today that a secretive appeals court has cleared the way for the Justice Department to use broad new authority to place wiretaps in your light sockets, listen in on your late-night drunken calls, read your personal work emails, infiltrate your D&D games (That’s no barbarian–that’s a […]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11 First things first: We here at One Day would like to make a public apology for last week’s column in which we erroneously stated that Winona Ryder starred in The Scarlet Letter. In actuality, that was Demi Moore, and to insult our favorite shoplifter by putting her anywhere near the vicinity of […]