MONDAY, MARCH 26 Tears of pride filled the eyes of Stumptown today as (temporary) hometown-boy-made-good Benicio Del Toro returned to Portland brandishing his “Best Supporting Actor” award. Rather than hanging around L.A. with the rest of those Hollywood coke-snorters, our diligent Benicio was up bright and early this morning working on The Hunted, co-starring Tommy […]
One Day at a Time
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The Week in Review
MONDAY MARCH 19 It’s another new week, and that means another group of dumbshits are proposing a law that would post the Ten Commandments in public schools. Never mind that God has publicly admitted he was drunk when he wrote them (especially the one about “coveting your neighbor’s ass”–ouch!), that didn’t stop a room full […]
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The Week in Review
THURSDAY MARCH 15 Whoopsy! Today a U.S. Navy F/A-18 war plane made a minor tactical error when it accidentally dropped a 500-pound bomb on a group of military observers in the Kuwaiti desert, killing five U.S. soldiers and a New Zealander. But that’s not the only embarrassing thing the military did today! The Army also […]
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The Week in Review
[Editor’s note: Ann was away last week on vacation! In Florida! Wanna hear about it? Wellgreat!] MONDAY, MARCH 5 Today we get up at 6:30 am, put on our best boot-cut indigo denim Gap jeans, a Forever 21 turtleneck, our Gap red leather blazer, and our black Franco Sarto boots, and fly to Florida. The […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26 Hollywood! The billy-ballyhoo of Hollywood! Yes, America loves the various goings-ons of thick-headed celebrities, and so, One Day feels a holy obligation to pass on any knowledge we may acquire. For example, this horrifying item from Rome, Italy: Director Martin Scorsese almost trampled by pigs! As it turns out, Marty is having […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Massive floods! Highly infectious disease! Widespread drought! That’s what we can all look forward to in the coming decades if global warming isn’t stopped, a UN scientific team warned today. But that’s not the half of it! They also said we can expect glaciers and polar icecaps melting, “countless” species of animals […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12 When it comes to unreliable hitmen, nobody beats Beaverton! A Beaverton resident pleaded guilty today after a hired hitman turned the tables and ratted him out. Vynn C. Berg hired William C. Pumphrey to “seriously injure” the owner of Greg’s Car Corner–apparently because the car dealer wasn’t quick enough in paying back […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Hollywood, CA: normally a sunwashed land of tinsel and glamour. Today, a community ripped to emotional shreds by three horrifying events! Horrifying event #1! Tom Cruise files for divorce! After 11 years of perfect marital bliss, swarthy actor Tom Cruise has requested an absolution of his holy vows from extremely pale redhead […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, JANUARY 29 Controversy struck the international Paralympic games (Olympic-style competition for the differently abled) today when it was discovered that members of the championship Spanish basketball team have no mental disabilities whatsoever. Team member Carlos Ribagorda admitted that only two out of their twelve medal-winning teammates were mentally deficient. And while he was at […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, JANUARY 22 In his final week as Commander-in-Chief, Bill Clinton has been working his booty off by issuing pardons left and right and saving the national forests. However, his staff, it seems, was up to no good. When George W. Bush’s Lone Star team arrived this morning to start their four-year reign, they found […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, JANUARY 15 Since our boss is too goddamn cheap to send us to Rio de Janeiro for the giant Rock in Rio music festival, we are forced to report on all the fun those people are having while sitting at home watching Temptation Island and pulling Biore strips off our delicate nose. The Rock […]
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The Week in Review
MONDAY, JANUARY 8 Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going just great, and then MTV decides to call? God knows that the Mercury loves talking on the phone, but when MTV calls, it’s like your Uncle Charlie ringing up to chat about his hemorroids, and then asking to spot him […]