Hello, and welcome to The Trash Report! I am so happy to see you. "But Elinor," you reply. "I am reading this on a device; you cannot see me!" Or can I? Perhaps I am in the corner of your living room, wrapped in your curtains, but with my little feet sticking out of the bottom, quietly peeking my face out from time to time to watch you read, waiting for a smile that would validate my entire vibe. Don't check, just trust. You look great, btw. Now let's get to the gossip!

Old on Old Crime

The frontrunners of next year's presidential election, President Joe Biden and Florida Man Donald Trump, are trying to out-young each other in front of cameras, which is no easy feat since they're both older than the wind. The leading campaign strategy at this point seems to be going "but could an old person do this?!" and it's one of them walking unassisted for five steps down a wheelchair ramp.*

*This is not to say that there is anything wrong with aging! To make it to one's golden years is a feat and a blessing! But there is no shame in retiring!

Biden and Trump are probably both relieved to have had some of the heat taken off them by means of Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert getting kicked out of a Denver performance Beetlejuice for singing, vaping, and giving her boyfriend an over-the-pants handy. I know it's still only September but I think this is my favorite news story of the year. Every word in every development is a tasty morsel that I relish and savor. I am Denethor mouth-fucking cherry tomatoes while Pippin sings during the climatic battle scene of The Two Towers. Just like, oh yeah, this tomato is juicy af and life will never be better. And how cool is it that Beetlejuice works so nicely in so many jokes? Now and forever, if you want to fondle someone's goods through their clothes, you can be like "mind if I juice your beetle?" 

Royalty: They're Just Like Us!

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stepped into the spotlight last week via the Invictus Games in Germany. It was also a time to celebrate Prince Harry's 39th birthday. According to Celebitchy, Harry and Meghan chomped wiener schnitzel and drank some beers. And I know what you're thinking: How much weiner schnitzel? And I don't know. But you're also probably thinking: How many beers? And that's where I can help you. According to a source, Meghan drank one beer. Reasonable, boring, definitely in her beige era! As for the birthday boy? He had six. Also reasonable! He's going through a lot right now! 

Celebrities are Bad and Getting Better

Can you believe it's been six years since the #MeToo movement blew up and brought several powerful men down? I can, in that I certainly feel much older than I did when it started, but it's also very fresh in my memory. I guess spending months and years talking and thinking about various traumas will do that to a gal. Anyway, somehow Russell Brand escaped that era unscathed, but a story in The Times dropped Saturday with allegations from several women of sexual assault and physical and verbal abuse. It's horrific and worth knowing about, even though it might scratch Forgetting Sarah Marshall off your list of comfort rewatches.

In case you're on the fence about what kind of opinion you'd like to have, so far the three celebs to have spoken out in Brand's defense have been Andrew Tate, Tucker Carlson, and Elon Musk. If that's a team you want to be on, are you sure, and yikes, and we're not friends, but okay, you do you.

Another celeb who was on the naughty list, but is thankfully clawing her way back into our good graces: Drew Barrymore yesterday released a statement that she was pausing her show's production after all, because everybody was so mad at her for trying to scab through the writers' strike. I love when good things come out of publicly dragging a celebrity, and honestly, admitting an error is incredibly humbling (I fuck up all the time!), so good for her for getting to the right place. Also, Barrymore ultimately probably boosted the strike's efforts by getting vapid gossip writers (👋) to discuss the emboldened labor movement and chime in on the best ways to support and show solidarity with working people. 💅 (Hint: compelling them to cross picket lines ain't it.)

Not sick of this story yet? Here's a rabbit hole:

With everyone eagerly waiting to pile on the next star who tries to scab, Jennifer Hudson also noped the fuck out of her show's production following the backlash Barrymore faced. And Pajiba put together a handy list of the 27 celebrities who appeared on new episodes of Celebrity Jeopardy, but also took the time to clarify that they weren't technically scabbing due to some contract thing I can't figure out, and I appreciated this, because a lot of them are celebrities that I like! I mean, who could honestly expect me to be mad at Christopher Meloni? The West Wing's Dule Hill? Academy Award winner and literal angel Mira Sorvino? I don't think so! 

Damn: It's Brutal Out Here on Cornelia Street

People keep trying to stoke a feud between reigning pop queens Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo. I absolutely abhor when media tries to pit successful women up against each other, as if there's only room for one, when in reality there is room for all of us. But also, isn't this going to be such great fodder for both of them to write on of their characteristically autobiographical songs about how dumb the alleged feud is? Double bangers, certified. Rodrigo has said that she "doesn't have beef with anyone" and like, sure, manage this narrative however you want, but also? We've also listened to both of your albums obsessively and we know that you beef. It's why we love you. Buzzfeed even made a quiz to see which of them we all are. I got Olivia Rodrigo, and I don't agree with this because I am clearly for both of them! No, for real: Olivia is 20 and Taylor is 33, which makes their average age 26.5, whereas I am literally 41 but spiritually 12, which means that my average age is also 26.5. 

Men are From Rome, Women are From Manhattan, Gorgeous!

A recent trend in social media is women discovering how often their male partners are thinking about the Roman Empire. Never one to pass up an opportunity to feel relevant, I asked my male partner how often he thinks about the Roman Empire, and he said "probably less than once a week" which is more often than "never, I only think about vintage video game systems and the news," which is what I thought he was going to say. I think a similar thing men could start asking women is how often, when we see groups of four things, we automatically rank them as characters in Sex and The City. Try me. You see The Beatles, I see Ringo is Charlotte, George is Samantha, John is Miranda, and Paul is Carrie. You see a cutlery set, I see the regular fork is Miranda, the small spoon is Charlotte, the knife is Miranda, and the big spoon is Carrie. Fight me on this! 

Local Trash

In local news, Portland Public School teachers are at an impasse in their ongoing bargaining for fair contracts, meaning that they may be moving towards a strike. Like many parents, I read the email alert from PPS Superintendent Guadalupe Guerrero with nerves on edge as I wondered just what I'm supposed to do with my child if schools were to temporarily close due to teachers striking. Then I remember that we are all workers and an injury to one is an injury to all, and I'd support the teachers anyway. Also, isn't it so weird for the districts to say they don't have enough money to pay teachers what they're worth when the state of Oregon has over five billions dollars in surplus that it will return to taxpayers via kicker next year? Just a thought!

Thank you and blessings to the young people who last week descended upon City Hall to demand that local and state leaders pay attention to the planet and not ruin it for them. After all, what if one of those 15-year-olds wants to someday be president? If we stick with current trends, we'd have to wait 60 years for them to be the right age, and a lot can happen to polar ice caps in that time. 

In closing, one hundred thank yous and five smooches on the forehead to whoever wrote an I, Anonymous about me. It was so nice. Thank you for reading. I hope that each and every one of you lives to a ripe old age where you are content and loved, yet no longer clinging to power that is not yours to wield.