How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas?  I am Elinor Jones, and this is...THE TRASH REPORT. Like many of you, I spent much of the past week iced into my home with my beloved family, anxiously refreshing the weather app on my phone to see when these people whom I love so dearly would get the fuck out of my house. I've never been so grateful to see slushy puddles in all my life.

I also spent a lot of the ice storm staring at stupid news on my smallest rectangle, so I've collected loads of garbage for YOU!

Gone DeSantis

Florida Governor and alleged human person Ron DeSantis dropped out of the presidential race yesterday and endorsed twice-impeached President Donald Trump in doing so, saying "it's clear...that a majority of Republicans want to give Donald Trump another chance." DeSantis had been considered Trump's biggest competition, and now leaves the remaining candidate Nikki Haley with some mighty big shoes to fill. To be clear, the shoes aren't actually big—they have a kind of hidden stacked heel that aim to make the wearer appear taller but mostly just appear to give them clown feet. 

DeSantis can now go back to focusing on making Florida one of the shittiest places to live as a child, woman of child-bearing age, or trans person of any age.

Before DeSantis had even dropped out, Trump clearly had Nikki Haley on the brain: Trump went off on a tangent about January 6th and kept dropping Haley's name when he was clearly talking about Nancy Pelosi. Trump only has the brain space at this point in his McDonald's-fueled advanced age to retain the name of a single woman who he's mad at at any given time, and that woman becomes the subject of all of his scorn, regardless of relevance. This is probably why his own lawyers don't want him testifying in the defamation lawsuit against him by E. Jean Carroll. Trump will blame her for winning the popular vote in 2016. He'll blame her for rigging voting machines in Georgia in 2020. He'll probably somehow blame her for stepping out on Robert Pattinson in 2012. The next time he throws his overdone ketchup steak at a wall, it will be Haley's name he curses. Well-behaved women rarely make history, but that's only because Trump can only go off on an unhinged rant about women one at a time. 

The Red Carpet Scarf of Seriousness

Former first daughter Malia Obama stepped out on the red carpet to promote her directorial film debut, The Heart, at Sundance.  The famous eldest daughter of Barack Obama has tended to avoid the spotlight, so her being there is clearly saying something about her level of confidence about the project, and I think that's awesome! I also think it's awesome that she wore a gray coat and terrible skinny scarf. Nothing says "I'm a serious adult" like dressing boring. (I would know!) 

Speaking of red carpets, so many high profile awards show have been packed into the last few weeks that Hollywood stylists are literally running out of gowns. Quelle horror! Whenever diabetics are like "the ozempic craze is creating an insulin shortage" or when relief organizations are like "the US-funded Israeli bombing campaign of Gaza is creating a food shortage," you can be like "that is interesting, because I heard that the calendar concentration of awards shows caused a gown shortage!" and they'll be impressed with your information and everybody will be reflected upon similarly in the history books. 

The Bear's Ayo Edebiri has been cleaning up at many of those awards shows, and her charm and style is always a highlight; the custom Louis Vuitton she wore has topped many best-of lists, but honestly all I can see when I look at it is a black leather citrus reamer. I mean: 


It's chic, but it would tear up some pulp.

The Future So Bleak

Media giant Condé Nast recently chomped up beloved music site Pitchfork, and media mega-darling Anna Wintour was tasked with letting all the Pitchfork staff know that they were getting canned. True to her brand to a fault, she did so while seated at a conference table without removing her signature sunglasses. Wintour has in the past described her sunglasses as "armor" that she can keep on to hide her true emotions. I think that if she kept them while destroying the livelihoods of many people who made an important impact on culture, her true emotion was likely "totally psycho" and perhaps it's better that she did leave them on. She's nothing if not a finger on the pulse, and the pulse in this instance was hers and barely perceptible. 

Encino Man star Pauly Shore is releasing a short biopic about famed fitness guru Richard Simmons. Simmons, who has kept out of the public eye for the last decade, has washed his hands of the project. Shore, who seems to be a huge douchecanoe, explained why he moved forward with the project anyway with "everyone is saying that I look like him, so I want to play him" and "it'd be a good opportunity for me to get back out there as well." Ahoooooo, buddy: that is vile! Are there no other curly-haired white men amenable to a Pauly project? This isn't like SNL picking out who to play major politicians who are part of the conversation; this film didn't need to happen, and Simmons could be left alone. Has Shore considered weezing the respect for privacy of others?

Local Trash

Much like all of the area's inhabitants, Portland's Craigslist Missed Connections have been delightfully unhinged during the storm. Some people have been wonderful, like the flirtatious cashiers at Trader Joe's that give us life on these hard, dark days. And some are a fucking mess:

I know we were all very excited to not eat home food after the storm, but this is the wrong way to do it. Eating at a local businesses: good. Eating like my one-eyed pug when dinner is served four minutes late and she's nearly dying of hunger: bad. Or, in the style of inspirational office decor: In a world of disgusting salad eaters, be a slutty little Trader Joe's cashier.