Good morning, Trash Pandas! This is Elinor Jones, welcoming you to another week of The Trash Report. I hope that you enjoyed this summery fall weekend in a way that was like "gosh, it's so pleasant out!" and not "a gorgeous day such as this in October is certainly a sign of the end of times." Because, be real: every day is end times now, so let's enjoy the pleasant days while we've got 'em. Shall we get to the gossip? Vamos, bitches.

Geopolitical Crises

The main thing happening right now is the fresh war in Israel following a surprise attack by Hamas. It's one of those moments where you go "oh dang this is a chapter in a history book shit right now;" we've had a lot of those in the last few years and they certainly don't get any easier! Everything is happening really fast and I'm already kinda dumb so I have nothing to offer except acknowledging that it's very scary and sad. 

And what's an enormous international geopolitical crisis if not a call to dunk on celebs who are cluelessly posting through it? And I will absolutely do that later! For now I'm still working through all of my feeds, going "oh wow, THEY have an opinion on this?" 

So, usually with this column I try to keep the vibe smart/dumb/mid/dumb/dumb, but this doesn't strike me as that kind of moment, so I'm taking you down to the intellectual basement with the rest of this space. Put on your helmets. 

Blind Items!

One of my favorite gossip sites is Crazy Days and Nights and this past week they had not one but TWO blind item reveals about J. Lo and Ben Affleck and how their relationship—which tickles me to no end—might actually be pretty toxic? First off, they shared that J. Lo had recently fallen out with actress Leah Remini, who I didn't even know she was friends with, but now that they're not anymore, it's sad. Many had assumed the fallout was re: Scientology, as with everything on Remini's shit list, but according to CDAN, it was actually because Remini did not support Jenny's reconciliation with Ben! What in the world?! Remini was her longtime friend and if she saw the dust settle from Bennifer from part one and advised against part two, well, there is probably something there. 

AND ALSO: CDAN said that J. Lo has it in for Ben every time he communicates with his ex, Jennifer Garner, despite the PR spin that she supports the co-parents being on such amicable terms. Two bad things in one gossip rag in one week usually spell trouble but fingers crossed that they've just gotten messy in their middle age. (I know I have!) J. Lo and Ben's relationship boosted a lot of our spirits during some of the darker days of the pandemic and we are ill-equipped to process a global calamity without the security they offer. 

Another blind item revealed, but non-Bennifer: Apparently Pussy Posse mayor Leonardo DiCaprio has access to vehicles with diplomatic license plates so he can drive however he wants without getting pulled over. There are some levels of fame and access that have never occurred to me and this is one of them! Like, why not drive your regular car and simply use your name and power and immense wealth to evade any consequences like in all other aspects of that kind of life? Dealing with an embassy seems like such an extra hassle. 

Beautiful People Belong Together

Joshua "Pacey" Jackson and Jodie Turner-Smith are heading for divorce. Lainey Gossip's substack has a great rundown on what may have gone south in their relationship, and it's all very human stuff, and not my hypothesis, which was that their combined beauty and charisma was simply too much for this world, and it cracked like fine china in an old dishwasher. In another news cycle I would say something extremely dirtbaggy about how I could help either one of them move on. But not today.

Social media is highly tickled by a papped pic of Chris Pine with messy hair, wearing a PBS t-shirt and what can only be described as a "lesbian aunt cardigan." His dishevelment is celebrated, yet when I walk my kid to school looking almost exactly like this, all I hear is "are you okay?" and "excuse me sir, are you supposed to be here?"

Also papped: Harry Styles jogging in Italy with his Olivia Wilde thigh tattoo in full view. If I ever become rich the first thing I'll do is figure out how to remain hot without jogging, that's for damn sure. Cute outfit, though. 

Jerk Reveal

People magazine reported on a woman named Kendra Evans who went viral on Twitter for crying at her gender reveal party because she was disappointed at the color of smoke that came out of the pumpkin which is very papal enclave for a tradition so very new and stupid. And because gossip columnists often have the smartest takes (not me, obviously, but others), Pajiba gave the best rundown:

We left very few ways for us to feel happy in this jagged construct built to service rich white men at the expense of all others, and we’ve lived in it so long that we’ve internalized it. We curl around these barbs of double standards and inequality until they feel like they’re part of us, as if they are natural and immutable. In a culture that applies arbitrary weight to gender identity and oppresses those who do not conform to the traditional binary, it can be so easy to forget that gender is a social construct.

It's weird to have a party to tell your friends with an ultrasound captured of your future baby's bathing suit area. Anyone can wear pink or blue. Love your kid. 

Leave Blossom Alone

Jeopardy host (until she stepped back in solidarity with strikers) Mayim Bialik announced that plans are in the works to reboot her beloved 90s sitcom Blossom. I'm sorry, is nothing sacred? Are we expected to watch another tween actress have to tell her divorced single father that she's started her period when she's got one brother who's an alcoholic in recovery and another brother who says "WHOA"? This has been done, and perfectly! Leonardo da Vinci didn't feel the need to update the Mona Lisa with a more on-trend smock three decades after its first inception, and yes, this is exactly like that!

Do not support, would probably watch.

Local Trash

In opposite-of-trash, the Oregon Humane Society held its annual Pug Crawl over the weekend. The theme was Taylor Swift, because everything in 2023 is Taylor Swift, I don't know about you, but those dogs were looking 22. As in 22 out of 10, perfect scores, incredible creatures.

That's all I've got for you today, friends. I know it can be really tough out there. Just know that to me, you are perfect.

Love, Actually,