One Day at a Time

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18 We can’t speak for the rest of you, but having Britney Spears in parental lockdown really, really SUCKS. As regular readers of One Day already know, the courts have granted conservatorship to Brit’s hillbilly pop Jamie Spears, who, as it turns out, is totes strict. She’s unable to purchase any drugs or […]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11 After a relaxing weekend, the world awoke with a start today upon hearing the horrifying rumor that Britney Spears and her latest douchebaggy boytoy Adnan Ghalib got secretly married in Mexico! Fortunately, however, the story was reported in Star—a magazine only slightly more trustworthy than the Bush administration. And while the story […]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4 According to those who care about such things, the Super Bowl was yesterday, and some team named the Giants won. Apparently, it came as quite a shock to the victors (who, truthfully, would probably be shocked if they found their shoes on the correct feet). “This is the greatest feeling in professional […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 28 It’s come to our attention that some of you are less than appreciative when it comes to One Day’s coverage of Britney Spears. (Please see “Letters,” pg. 3, for further details on this disturbing trend.) Apparently, some of you feel we spend far too much column space on this one hilariously troubled […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 21 Ahem. You there. YES, YOU. The American Psychoanalytic Association has made a request: STOP PSYCHOANALYZING BRITNEY SPEARS! Apparently the nation’s psychology community has banded together, and no longer thinks it’s okay for the rest of us to make judgments in regards to Britney’s sanity. Sooooo… when Brit bashes an SUV with an […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 14 Like a nightmare from which one can never awake, Britney Spears is back with another weeklong tumble into embarrassment. The headline from Life & Style Weekly? Britney’s Nude Shopping Tirade! Here’s the scoopage: Brit and her soul-patched douche of a new boyfriend made yet another spectacle of themselves yesterday at the Betsey […]

MONDAY, JANUARY 7 First, a correction! Last week in One Day, we referred to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney as a Seventh-day Adventist, when he is actually a Mormon. The big difference? Mormons believe that Joseph Smith found golden tablets in the ground (conveniently buried by an angel in upstate New York), while Adventists go […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31 Happy New Year’s Eve, darlings! After a week of basking on the beaches of St. Croix, One Day at a Time is back with a vengeance. And happily, the top-tier celebs chose to remain on their best behavior while we were away, and… wait. Oh, The O.C.‘s Mischa Barton—how could you?? A […]

[Darlings! While 2007 excelled in celebrity embarrassments—what with rehab, prison stints, and racism-inspired apologies—one star shined brighter than any in Tinsel Turd, and it was of course MS. BRITNEY SPEARS. (Sorry, LiLo—even with a possible kidnapping charge, you never stood a chance.) Ladies and gentlemen, let’s look back at 2007: THE YEAR OF BALD BRITNEY.—Ann […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10 Now, wait just a goddamn second… Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were named Us Weekly‘s “Couple of the Year”? NOT ON OUR WATCH! Yes, we’re fully aware that Brad and Ang are in the business of adopting every starving orphan in sight, as well as trotting across the globe to rescue victims […]

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 The jig is up, Hollyweird! For years you’ve tried to convince us your perfect faces (and tits) are the products of unsullied genetics, and not from the snipping, slicing, and sewing of discreet plastic surgeons. And for years, these surgeons have kept your dirty little secrets. WELL, NO MORE. Now, according to […]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Warning to readers of One Day at a Time: We are about to break a cardinal rule of this column, which is, “never report on a celebrity pregnancy until the baby’s head is actually poking out of the vagina.” While these stories are rarely if ever true, the following tidbit is too […]